we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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