Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
