all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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