just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
