exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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