guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Pants are for mortals
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
