Operation Purity has been aborted
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
