They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
