I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
