I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
