i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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