dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Semen is not good for contacts.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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