Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
