The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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