Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
