The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
