My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
