i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
