I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
