I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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