this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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