I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
