a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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