i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
