im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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