Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize