I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
