nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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