so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
