Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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