Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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