he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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