Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
