I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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