hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The power of my boobs compel you
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
