I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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