I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
