I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
