Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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