Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
