dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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