jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
