yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
