Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
