i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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