And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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