In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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