Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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