That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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