yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
