I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
