That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
