Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
