Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
