It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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