how can u be prego again
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
