It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize